I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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