my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
