So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
