I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize