Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
