only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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