I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
