I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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