just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
