its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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