we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I wear drunk well.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
