I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
