I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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