Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We just shotgunned beers for America
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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