My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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