Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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