my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm at about main and main street
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
