you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
