I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
