dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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