I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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