Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
