I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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