i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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