So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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