no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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