when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
