thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
