Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize