My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Are my feet made of real feet?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
