i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
