I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
