You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
