He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
