at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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