So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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