i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize