I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
