I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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