god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
