Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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