Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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