I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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