Your dad touched me again.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
