just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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