i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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