bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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