I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
