somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
When are your genitals available?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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