I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
