You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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