I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
