I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
