totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm way too hungover for life right now
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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