a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
