he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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