Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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