I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
