I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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