just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
