YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
