Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize