ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
