I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Randomize
