Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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