I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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