I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
